the curtain falls, the lights come up
Two experiences recently that I must spill out:
I had a dream last night that I brought my children with me to a death metal concert. We had seats in different sections. Suddenly I couldn’t find them anymore. Everyone looked like a demon. I realized I had brought my children into hell with me, and then left them alone while I went looking for a concession stand. I woke up screaming. Is this symbolic of my divorce and what I have done? I have not been a perfect father, by a long shot, but today I woke up with more determination to spend time with them. Part of me wishes I could have been better to their mother when I was dragging her through hell. I have clearly not dealt with all of this completely yet.
My girlfriend asked a few months ago if my house held ghosts for me. It does. I walked from room to room praying for deliverance many months before, but the problem isn’t the house-it’s the person who lives in it. I am haunted by the bad choices I made-choices I knew were insane at the time, that led to further insanity disguised as what I wanted. I read the entire book of Proverbs. I knew Sarah was not a woman of noble character. I had a hundred chances to do things right. But I failed so often that failing felt like the right thing. I closed my eyes to Nicole’s suffering, and to God’s heart breaking.
The hardest thing sometimes, Henri Nouwen said once, is to let yourself be forgiven. Just let God forgive you. It seems to happen by degrees for me. Today I’m not sure if I have regressed. But I kind of think so. Do I believe it? I long to believe it.
Give me stillness of heart please Lord Jesus.
