Do I tend to romanticize situations and people outside my own situation? Do I get swept away in fantasy? Yes. What’s that about?
Am I simply taking on the opposite role in a relational dynamic I’m used to? This one is something I really want to think about.
Two experiences recently that I must spill out:
I had a dream last night that I brought my children with me to a death metal concert. We had seats in different sections. Suddenly I couldn’t find them anymore. Everyone looked like a demon. I realized I had brought my children into hell with me, and then left them alone while I went looking for a concession stand. I woke up screaming. Is this symbolic of my divorce and what I have done? I have not been a perfect father, by a long shot, but today I woke up with more determination to spend time with them. Part of me wishes I could have been better to their mother when I was dragging her through hell. I have clearly not dealt with all of this completely yet.
My girlfriend asked a few months ago if my house held ghosts for me. It does. I walked from room to room praying for deliverance many months before, but the problem isn’t the house-it’s the person who lives in it. I am haunted by the bad choices I made-choices I knew were insane at the time, that led to further insanity disguised as what I wanted. I read the entire book of Proverbs. I knew Sarah was not a woman of noble character. I had a hundred chances to do things right. But I failed so often that failing felt like the right thing. I closed my eyes to Nicole’s suffering, and to God’s heart breaking.
The hardest thing sometimes, Henri Nouwen said once, is to let yourself be forgiven. Just let God forgive you. It seems to happen by degrees for me. Today I’m not sure if I have regressed. But I kind of think so. Do I believe it? I long to believe it.
Give me stillness of heart please Lord Jesus.
I went to a bar with a good friend last Thursday, in order to try a few new beers. Had an excellent time. Some very nice ladies sat down next to us, and we talked for a while. One asked if we would do a shot with them. We agreed. And then, an hour and four drinks after we got to the bar, the one who asked us to drink the shots said she thought I was cute and that she’d never felt that way about someone. And asked if I wanted to get together sometime.
I have a girlfriend who is AMAZING. So, no. I thanked her for the flattering offer, and hopefully politely let her down. She asked if we could be friends. I said sure. Even though we have absolutely no common frame of reference and live in a big city.
What an evening.
Dear God,
Please help me to be kinder to people I don’t know. Especially those with whom I’ve been acquainted for a long time.
Amen.
The commentary between worship songs seems the same today as it was two weeks ago. Someone needs to teach worship leaders that ad-libbing with whatever comes into their heads isn’t necessarily a good thing.
“Contemporary” worship services sometimes seem full of rockstars. This would look ridiculous if we were all singing hymns.
There is a Chinese family in front of me. I wonder how all of this strikes them. They seem to enjoy the music somewhat. But I wonder what they think of the repetition. It seems mantra-like.
I am troubled. And I don’t want to just be cynical.
One year later. Maybe I’ll do something with this blog if I carry it around in my pocket all the time.
Updates, if anyone is still reading:
I’m a therapist now, working with kids. I love it.
I had a stupid STUPID long distance “relationship” following my divorce with someone who was probably a sociopath.
I’m now dating the most unbelievably wonderful woman I have ever known. Wow. Gift from God.
My marriage ended legally today. At least, I think it did. I’ll confess, I haven’t been paying very close attention to the way the process has unfolded. There may be some appeal period now or something, but neither of us is going to appeal. All I know is, today we went to the court house and answered the judge’s questions, and then gave each other a hug before we parted ways. Oh, and she had a date last night and another tonight, thanks to a membership with eHarmony. I’m really not sure when that took place, exactly, but it makes sense in a “hey, it’s way too early to do that” sort of way.
It did make it easier to be okay with the whole thing, though. Truth be told, I’m probably feeling better about myself and about my life right now than I have in a long, long time.
I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away
and made me walk in darkness rather than light;
indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.
He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones.
He has besieged me and surrounded me
with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead.
He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
he has weighed me down with chains.
Even when I call out or cry for help,
he shuts out my prayer.
He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
he has made my paths crooked.
Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding,
he dragged me from the path and mangled me
and left me without help.
He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows.
He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver.
He has filled me with bitter herbs and sated me with gall.
He has broken my teeth with gravel;
he has trampled me in the dust.
I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, “My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
and let him be filled with disgrace.
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief,
he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief,
until the LORD looks down from heaven and sees.
I called on your name, O LORD,
from the depths of the pit.
You heard my plea:
“Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.”
You came near when I called you, and you said,
“Do not fear.”
Well, so much for this year’s New Year’s Resolutions.
Briefly:
My marriage will be over legally probably within a month.
My children continue to bring me joy, even on the hard days when I don’t get to see them.
I am feeling hope for the future, thanks to some helpful revelations recently.
My regrets are slowly being washed away by the blood of Jesus.
Amen.
I find myself recently struggling with the temptation to just let things go that I shouldn’t and to “major in the minors” on things that really don’t matter that much.
I feel lonely.
I feel sad.
I want to feel wild, powerful, in control.
I feel none of those.
A friend told me that sometimes you have to make decisions irrespective of the way you feel, or even when you have no clue what the right thing to do is. Sometimes you just make a decision and live with it. I honestly have done that so rarely in my life that I can barely remember just living with a decision without constantly looking over my shoulder.
Tonight, I am making a decision. And no, I’m not telling you what it is.
